Diary for my child that I wish for

To the Child that I wish for,

2009-11-02T22:16:00.001-08:00

Day 25 in cycle
6 days since Egg Transfer

So I ended the last message saying that there were 3 or 4 eggs left?

Well to recap 11 eggs gotten, 5 immature so no good there, then 4 inseminated (again sorry if too much info!). And this was where I left off I think - The not so happy Saturday.

Well you will be happy to hear that I did cheer up after Saturday. But instead of me being unsure, your father became even more unsure. Unsure, worried, scared of what could be, scared of how to handle what might not be. Your father is a strong man. So strong and loving, and just can't wait for you to arrive in the world, so that he can hold his son/daughter in his arms. So strong, that when he falls, it takes him a while to get back up. But I was there. I had this epiphany on Sunday when I woke up and I think it helped me..

I woke up thinking - I have tried to have a baby for 3 years now. 3 years and every month we have been sad because its been a negative. What is the difference between this month and last month if it is bad news? Nothing. We may have jumped a few more hurdles this month, but if the outcome is the same, we will take it like we do - head on.

It took your father a couple of days to get this (and I am not saying that it takes him a while to get things, cause he will kill me if he reads that! But you know what I mean **wink**), but I think he finally came around to my thinking. But we are known to overthink things your father and I! But back to the story..

So Monday rolls around, and I get the phone call. Only three have survived the weekend. One grew abnormally. But three is good right. Well the scientist thought it was ok. I rang your father who did seem pleased (although he was still trying to process all of above comments). I was ecstatic that they survived. ANOTHER hurdle past. "So", the scientist says, "We will see you Wednesday"...

Tuesday night, your father and I went to the crazy prawn lady (another story you will not doubt of heard by now), got some prawns and I made a special meal for us. Hopefully the last meal where I am not pregnant.

And at 6:30am on Wednesday 28th October we set out on the road, to hopefully see a picture of you and welcome you to your home for the next 9 or so months. Strangely calm on the ride in, even stranger that there will little traffic on the way in, and a brief shower started as we got there. We climbed the treachorous hill to get to the hospital, rode the elevator for the 1000th time, opened the door beside the waterfall wall, and with baited breath entered the clinic.

As we sat there nervously awaiting our names to be called, I looked around the very crowded room and then whispered to your father.. "You don't think ALL of these people are going to come in and watch do you?". But as I did look around, I also was amazed that there are so many people out there who have the same problems as we do. I just hope they have the love and support we have had.

After our names are called, we are ushered into a room with a scientist, and shown a photo of the blastocyst. An embryo grown to day 5. Breathtaking stuff.. And with a tiny whisper I said (hopefully to you), "Hello sweetheart, I am your mum"

To my baby that I wish for,

2009-10-24T02:17:00.000-07:00

Day 15 in cycle - day after Egg pick up

I am sorry I haven't written in a while. We have been going through some stuff, and I haven't really been able to put into words what or how I am feeling.

We went for a couple of scans recently. The first scan was the hardest. In my mind I am thinking... this has failed again, this has failed again. But we got through it, and although we had to increase the dosage we found ourselves at the second and third scan. And then Dr said those precious words I have been waiting for- that we could do the egg pick up on Friday. He said that there was about 6 -7 follicles that looked good, and that all was progressing well.

So Friday, your father took me to the hospital, and hand in hand, and both as scared as each other and went for it. I donned the stupid little gown, the pressure socks and booties, and walked with my head held high into that theatre. Hoping that there will be some eggs.

I woke up in the recovery room, in a little pain, and an oxygen mask on, feeling terribly emotional. The Dr came over and told me he had recovered 11 eggs. 11! Wow! How cool is that?
All I wanted was to look up into your fathers eyes and say "I did it". And I did very shortly after. He was just outside, waiting so long to see me. I grabbed his hand as he kissed me, and smiled at him. We were over another hurdle. One step closer to that light at the end. One step closer to you.

A name popped into my head when I was waking up too - Ella.

We got a phone call the same afternoon saying (apologies for too much info here) that your fathers count was good, and the eggs looked ok, and that we will get another call tomorrow to tell us how they have done. I went to bed hoping that they were fighters. Hoping that some of them would take.

Next morning, whilst trying to busy myself around the house, trying not to overthink things the call came. 11 eggs, 5 were too immature to inseminate, and 4 have inseminated. 4 eggs out of 11. I am happy because we have 4, and really we only need 1, but why the tears and uncertainty? Why the awful sadness? I cried to myself alot today. I cried to your grandmother and aunty, and cried on your fathers shoulder too. I also cried to my best friend in England over the internet whilst your father was asleep on the couch. And they were there for me yet again. How I owe them all. Such great friendships and bonds that are so important to me.

So now I am here hoping with all that I have that you are one of the four eggs. I am hoping you are my fighter that I know you are and will be in life. I hope with all my heart that you know this, with every cell you have. Because you are wanted. Because you are loved.

Patience is a trait that I have had to learn throughout this journey. And I think patience and calmness are two traits that are necessary to fight this battle. You don't have them, then I would be frightened at what you may have to endure.

People say that we are so strong. But today I am not so strong, and am struggling to find my feet. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

So please little one. Fight for us. As we have and will always fight for you.

Love Always,
Your mother

To my baby that I wish for,

2009-10-15T03:51:00.000-07:00

So a little girl was born this morning. And a mum and dad began their story. And she is beautiful. And mum and dad are beaming. And I have become petrified of tomorrow's scan and what the outcome will mean.

Just over a month ago, I walked into a doctors surgery full of hope with your dad, and it seemed like the doctor personally ripped my heart out in front of us, threw it on the ground and then turned his back on us laughing. One of the saddest moments was seeing the heartbreak in your fathers eyes watching him watch the scan - something I hope I never see again. One of the scariest moments I have heard was when the doctor muttered OHSS, and then listed embalism, fluid drowning you, ruptured uterus, death like he was listing his grocery list. And I am so scared that I am just living a groundhog life and the same conversation is heading my way. Or worse, that I have had by fair share of eggs now, and there are none there... "I am sorry but you have passed your used by date" I hear in the back of my mind.

The journey of IVF is moving forward. The fear has entered my heart now. And its cousin uncertainty is right behind it. And I struggle now to think of me ever being a mother to you, and have replaced it with how will I manage heartbreak once more. The journey is moving forward, and the prettiness of this has rubbed off and I am staring down a very long and dark corridor with only a very small light at the end. Can I ever get to that light I ponder tonight.

But I will go. Hand in hand with my friend, my love, my rock. And we will take whatever the outcome is as best as we can.

To my baby that I wish for,

2009-10-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

Day Four of cycle - 125 of Puregon
Mood - Happy to the point of overly happy?

I do worry about the side effects of medication. I mean they write the worse case scenario on all medication, and it does concern me - nausea, dizziness, depressed state, bloating - but would you be concerned with it if it said - may cause you to be overly happy? Cause seriously, this is my side effect for all of this medication.. I am happy to the point people are looking at me saying, "Are you ok?". I am so happy that I smile at abusive customers. I am singing while I work. I have to force myself not to hug everyone around me.

Is this a case of self censuring subconsciously? Who would know? But this is where I am at the moment.

Today is an extra happy day as this is the day that our friends baby is born. As we hear it, she left for the hospital and 8am, and waters have just broken. Such a blessing for her. But it does bring to the forefront the emotions of other people having the blessing while you do not.

Now, don't get me wrong. Being happy for this couple is a complete understatement. They are a wonderful couple, and deserve nothing more than this and more. And I am sure that there are others out there who think this of their friends, family when it happens to them. But it doesnt take away the other emotions.

The emotions I am talking about is frustration, sadness, exasperation of why others can be so blessed where others struggle. No, its not fair! No why shouldn't it be me? No I didn't ask for this. No, I did nothing wrong.

But when I get like this I force myself to think.... If I too can be blessed enough to have you, then you are going to know every day of my life how much that you are loved, wanted, and cherished. Something too many children do not have.

Today I also let me think about the positive future.. The future that I wish for... Just for a minute. I pondered my baby shower, and I pondered who I would want to let know when my waters broke. I dreamt of looking at your dad holding you in his arms. I wondered about how much your grandmothers, aunties and uncles will cry. And then I stopped myself. I need to think about Friday first..

To my baby that I wish for,

2009-10-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

Emotions are a funny thing. You wake up happy, then the rollercoaster of the day begins - one minute you are happy, the other angry, the other worried, the other sad, the other uncertain. And these are the emotions of a normal person not going through IVF. Without the hormones coursing through your body.

I am happy and feeling positive today. Happy that I am healthy. Happy that I have love and friendship in my life. Positive about the future ahead. Then again, this is me normally. Happy and positive. A good friend of mine says that I have rose coloured glasses on most of the time! And I agree that I do think of the glass half full.

But I am also worried. Your dad gave me the first needle last night of Puregon (125) and I froze for a moment. My mind spanned back to the awful day a month ago when the world fractured just a little bit. This was the day I was diagnosed with OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) and was told that the cycle was cancelled. I am worried that this is going to happen again. I am worried that again I will have to look into your dad's eyes and see the sadness and fear within them knowing that we just took a step back in meeting you. Then I started worrying that maybe the dosage won't be enough. Then it snowballed and I started worrying if I had the strength to do this again....

And then I looked into your fathers eyes and found the strength. And I also found peace and love. And then I knew I could do this for us. For all of us.

There are alot of people here waiting to meet you little one. People who have held my hand, let me lay my head on their shoulder in times of need, and who have leant me their ear. People who have wiped my tears from my face, and who have helped me up when I fell, or simply filled me with words of love and support. Without this support I think I would have given up my quest of meeting you a long time ago. They say I am the strong one, but they do not know without their strength and love I wouldnt be as strong as I am. I just don't know how to express my thanks and gratitude to them all, and just hope that they know. These are the people who I can't wait to introduce you to.

So we have a scan on Friday, and the nurse said that if all goes well then it might be as soon as Monday that we do the Egg Pick Up. I am hoping but bracing at the same time. Like I said a roller coaster of emotions fills our day. And it always ends in hope...

Dont forget,
We Can't Wait to Meet you
Love Me
xoxoxox

To my baby that I wish for,

2009-10-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am not quite sure how I want to start this for you. I know there are about a million things I want to say to you, but where to begin is the hardest.

I know that you have been a long time coming, and that your father and I both wish you were with us here and now, to hug and kiss. But I know that everything can't be as simple as just to wish and then it is, so I am coming to terms with being patient and having hope that one day I will feel you kick inside of me, and feel you in my arms.

And this is why I am writing this for you. I want you to know how much you were wanted and loved even before you were here, and for you to read the journey that came before you set eyes on us. I hope and prey that I will do it justice for you.

I also hope you don't mind me sharing this with others, because like me and your dad, there are others out there today hoping to one day be parents, but who right now are lost, confused, angry, sad, isolated and who don't want to seem weak and rely on others for support, or who have no one to offload to about the crazy things us parents to be think and do. Hopefully they can gain some sanctuary knowing that there is at least someone else out there that is feeling just like their feeling.

So here we are sweetheart, on the road to meeting you.

We had our first appointment with Dr D this week, after going through 4 failed IUI's, a laprioscopy and an IVF cycle that resulted in OHSS, and us firing our first specialist. A lesson I want to teach you when you are here is to understand that Doctors aren't the saints that we make them out to - if you don't like one, there is plenty more out there that you can go to!

I am not going to give you a blow by blow description of what happened (but your father didnt do his practiced speech about "I don't care whats on your walls... I don't care about the letters after your name, all I care about is for you to do your job properly"), but he pretty much gave us the stats (about 4% chance to fall naturally due to endo and PCOS) and said IVF is our only option.

I was concerned because I havent had my "friends" since the last cycle , so when I asked he said - get this - my uterus is in shock! (OK you have to do this so you can appreciate what I was thinking when he said this - pull a shocked look on your face, thats it.. eyes wider... mouth gaping... OK now that was what I was picturing my uterus looked like - humourous to say the least). What does this mean? Do I give it a cold face washer and get it to lie down? Do I have to get it some counselling? Do I sing it sweet lullabies?

It means we have to wait for it to calm down and do its thing before the next cycle of IVF.

The cycle that we are doing is called an antagonist cycle which means ANOTHER needle (YAY for two needles a day), and it goes rather quickly. I am going to take a photo of my belly just to show you how swollen I get, because I hear I may get quite swollen again.. hopefully not as big as last time! But here is the better news... After a few sweet songs, and soothing words, my "friends" arrived yesterday, and the cycle begins.. First needle 125ml of Puregon at 7pm tonight.

So fingers crossed, prayers said, budha's belly rubbed, or do anything to make the luck come our way this coming week or so.

Remember always,
We love you and can't wait to say hi
Love Me