To my baby that I wish for,

Day 15 in cycle - day after Egg pick up

I am sorry I haven't written in a while. We have been going through some stuff, and I haven't really been able to put into words what or how I am feeling.

We went for a couple of scans recently. The first scan was the hardest. In my mind I am thinking... this has failed again, this has failed again. But we got through it, and although we had to increase the dosage we found ourselves at the second and third scan. And then Dr said those precious words I have been waiting for- that we could do the egg pick up on Friday. He said that there was about 6 -7 follicles that looked good, and that all was progressing well.

So Friday, your father took me to the hospital, and hand in hand, and both as scared as each other and went for it. I donned the stupid little gown, the pressure socks and booties, and walked with my head held high into that theatre. Hoping that there will be some eggs.

I woke up in the recovery room, in a little pain, and an oxygen mask on, feeling terribly emotional. The Dr came over and told me he had recovered 11 eggs. 11! Wow! How cool is that?
All I wanted was to look up into your fathers eyes and say "I did it". And I did very shortly after. He was just outside, waiting so long to see me. I grabbed his hand as he kissed me, and smiled at him. We were over another hurdle. One step closer to that light at the end. One step closer to you.

A name popped into my head when I was waking up too - Ella.

We got a phone call the same afternoon saying (apologies for too much info here) that your fathers count was good, and the eggs looked ok, and that we will get another call tomorrow to tell us how they have done. I went to bed hoping that they were fighters. Hoping that some of them would take.

Next morning, whilst trying to busy myself around the house, trying not to overthink things the call came. 11 eggs, 5 were too immature to inseminate, and 4 have inseminated. 4 eggs out of 11. I am happy because we have 4, and really we only need 1, but why the tears and uncertainty? Why the awful sadness? I cried to myself alot today. I cried to your grandmother and aunty, and cried on your fathers shoulder too. I also cried to my best friend in England over the internet whilst your father was asleep on the couch. And they were there for me yet again. How I owe them all. Such great friendships and bonds that are so important to me.

So now I am here hoping with all that I have that you are one of the four eggs. I am hoping you are my fighter that I know you are and will be in life. I hope with all my heart that you know this, with every cell you have. Because you are wanted. Because you are loved.

Patience is a trait that I have had to learn throughout this journey. And I think patience and calmness are two traits that are necessary to fight this battle. You don't have them, then I would be frightened at what you may have to endure.

People say that we are so strong. But today I am not so strong, and am struggling to find my feet. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

So please little one. Fight for us. As we have and will always fight for you.

Love Always,
Your mother