So a little girl was born this morning. And a mum and dad began their story. And she is beautiful. And mum and dad are beaming. And I have become petrified of tomorrow's scan and what the outcome will mean.
Just over a month ago, I walked into a doctors surgery full of hope with your dad, and it seemed like the doctor personally ripped my heart out in front of us, threw it on the ground and then turned his back on us laughing. One of the saddest moments was seeing the heartbreak in your fathers eyes watching him watch the scan - something I hope I never see again. One of the scariest moments I have heard was when the doctor muttered OHSS, and then listed embalism, fluid drowning you, ruptured uterus, death like he was listing his grocery list. And I am so scared that I am just living a groundhog life and the same conversation is heading my way. Or worse, that I have had by fair share of eggs now, and there are none there... "I am sorry but you have passed your used by date" I hear in the back of my mind.
The journey of IVF is moving forward. The fear has entered my heart now. And its cousin uncertainty is right behind it. And I struggle now to think of me ever being a mother to you, and have replaced it with how will I manage heartbreak once more. The journey is moving forward, and the prettiness of this has rubbed off and I am staring down a very long and dark corridor with only a very small light at the end. Can I ever get to that light I ponder tonight.
But I will go. Hand in hand with my friend, my love, my rock. And we will take whatever the outcome is as best as we can.
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