To my baby that I wish for,

Day Four of cycle - 125 of Puregon
Mood - Happy to the point of overly happy?

I do worry about the side effects of medication. I mean they write the worse case scenario on all medication, and it does concern me - nausea, dizziness, depressed state, bloating - but would you be concerned with it if it said - may cause you to be overly happy? Cause seriously, this is my side effect for all of this medication.. I am happy to the point people are looking at me saying, "Are you ok?". I am so happy that I smile at abusive customers. I am singing while I work. I have to force myself not to hug everyone around me.

Is this a case of self censuring subconsciously? Who would know? But this is where I am at the moment.

Today is an extra happy day as this is the day that our friends baby is born. As we hear it, she left for the hospital and 8am, and waters have just broken. Such a blessing for her. But it does bring to the forefront the emotions of other people having the blessing while you do not.

Now, don't get me wrong. Being happy for this couple is a complete understatement. They are a wonderful couple, and deserve nothing more than this and more. And I am sure that there are others out there who think this of their friends, family when it happens to them. But it doesnt take away the other emotions.

The emotions I am talking about is frustration, sadness, exasperation of why others can be so blessed where others struggle. No, its not fair! No why shouldn't it be me? No I didn't ask for this. No, I did nothing wrong.

But when I get like this I force myself to think.... If I too can be blessed enough to have you, then you are going to know every day of my life how much that you are loved, wanted, and cherished. Something too many children do not have.

Today I also let me think about the positive future.. The future that I wish for... Just for a minute. I pondered my baby shower, and I pondered who I would want to let know when my waters broke. I dreamt of looking at your dad holding you in his arms. I wondered about how much your grandmothers, aunties and uncles will cry. And then I stopped myself. I need to think about Friday first..