To my baby that I wish for,

Emotions are a funny thing. You wake up happy, then the rollercoaster of the day begins - one minute you are happy, the other angry, the other worried, the other sad, the other uncertain. And these are the emotions of a normal person not going through IVF. Without the hormones coursing through your body.

I am happy and feeling positive today. Happy that I am healthy. Happy that I have love and friendship in my life. Positive about the future ahead. Then again, this is me normally. Happy and positive. A good friend of mine says that I have rose coloured glasses on most of the time! And I agree that I do think of the glass half full.

But I am also worried. Your dad gave me the first needle last night of Puregon (125) and I froze for a moment. My mind spanned back to the awful day a month ago when the world fractured just a little bit. This was the day I was diagnosed with OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) and was told that the cycle was cancelled. I am worried that this is going to happen again. I am worried that again I will have to look into your dad's eyes and see the sadness and fear within them knowing that we just took a step back in meeting you. Then I started worrying that maybe the dosage won't be enough. Then it snowballed and I started worrying if I had the strength to do this again....

And then I looked into your fathers eyes and found the strength. And I also found peace and love. And then I knew I could do this for us. For all of us.

There are alot of people here waiting to meet you little one. People who have held my hand, let me lay my head on their shoulder in times of need, and who have leant me their ear. People who have wiped my tears from my face, and who have helped me up when I fell, or simply filled me with words of love and support. Without this support I think I would have given up my quest of meeting you a long time ago. They say I am the strong one, but they do not know without their strength and love I wouldnt be as strong as I am. I just don't know how to express my thanks and gratitude to them all, and just hope that they know. These are the people who I can't wait to introduce you to.

So we have a scan on Friday, and the nurse said that if all goes well then it might be as soon as Monday that we do the Egg Pick Up. I am hoping but bracing at the same time. Like I said a roller coaster of emotions fills our day. And it always ends in hope...

Dont forget,
We Can't Wait to Meet you
Love Me
xoxoxox