To my baby that I wish for,

I am not quite sure how I want to start this for you. I know there are about a million things I want to say to you, but where to begin is the hardest.

I know that you have been a long time coming, and that your father and I both wish you were with us here and now, to hug and kiss. But I know that everything can't be as simple as just to wish and then it is, so I am coming to terms with being patient and having hope that one day I will feel you kick inside of me, and feel you in my arms.

And this is why I am writing this for you. I want you to know how much you were wanted and loved even before you were here, and for you to read the journey that came before you set eyes on us. I hope and prey that I will do it justice for you.

I also hope you don't mind me sharing this with others, because like me and your dad, there are others out there today hoping to one day be parents, but who right now are lost, confused, angry, sad, isolated and who don't want to seem weak and rely on others for support, or who have no one to offload to about the crazy things us parents to be think and do. Hopefully they can gain some sanctuary knowing that there is at least someone else out there that is feeling just like their feeling.

So here we are sweetheart, on the road to meeting you.

We had our first appointment with Dr D this week, after going through 4 failed IUI's, a laprioscopy and an IVF cycle that resulted in OHSS, and us firing our first specialist. A lesson I want to teach you when you are here is to understand that Doctors aren't the saints that we make them out to - if you don't like one, there is plenty more out there that you can go to!

I am not going to give you a blow by blow description of what happened (but your father didnt do his practiced speech about "I don't care whats on your walls... I don't care about the letters after your name, all I care about is for you to do your job properly"), but he pretty much gave us the stats (about 4% chance to fall naturally due to endo and PCOS) and said IVF is our only option.

I was concerned because I havent had my "friends" since the last cycle , so when I asked he said - get this - my uterus is in shock! (OK you have to do this so you can appreciate what I was thinking when he said this - pull a shocked look on your face, thats it.. eyes wider... mouth gaping... OK now that was what I was picturing my uterus looked like - humourous to say the least). What does this mean? Do I give it a cold face washer and get it to lie down? Do I have to get it some counselling? Do I sing it sweet lullabies?

It means we have to wait for it to calm down and do its thing before the next cycle of IVF.

The cycle that we are doing is called an antagonist cycle which means ANOTHER needle (YAY for two needles a day), and it goes rather quickly. I am going to take a photo of my belly just to show you how swollen I get, because I hear I may get quite swollen again.. hopefully not as big as last time! But here is the better news... After a few sweet songs, and soothing words, my "friends" arrived yesterday, and the cycle begins.. First needle 125ml of Puregon at 7pm tonight.

So fingers crossed, prayers said, budha's belly rubbed, or do anything to make the luck come our way this coming week or so.

Remember always,
We love you and can't wait to say hi
Love Me